10 Things I Think of at Work

1) If I say hi to you, say hi back. It's common courtesy you jerk. Don't shove your ugly fingers in my face to show me how many people are in your party. One day I'm going to wave a finger in your face-- and believe me you know which one that's going to be you rude bastid.

2) If I tell you there's a waitlist, I can assure you there is a waitlist. I was hired here for a reason and I know what I'm doing. So you either wait or leave. You choose. Refer to #3

3) I don't give a shit if you see open tables. It's called a 'Reservation'. TRY MAKING ONE SOMETIME! Refer to #2

4) The inevitable, "Can I make a reservation right now?" No, you dumb dumb. Reservations are for people who call in ahead of time. You can't make a reservation for 5 minutes from now AND you definitely cannot make a reservation as you stand in front of me at the host stand. That defeats the purpose of making a reservation. I believe you are what we call a 'Walk-In'.

5) Blame the guy who made the large reservation. A lot of people think that it's ok to make a reservation for more people than are actually going to show up. And, then, there's that person who is waiting on a ridiculously long waitlist because we've run out of tables. Well, blame your fellow dining patron because they made a reservation for 15 people and there are only 9 people showed up. That's a whole 6 guests that we can seat, and that could be your table you waitlist people! C'mon, let's be realistic. You're mom who's across the country is clearly not going to make it. DON'T INCLUDE HER! Be considerate and realistic about your party size!

6) Dietary Restrictions. All I have to say is that if you're vegan or gluten-free by choice , get the fuhh outta here. *Slap the back of your head* I leave out vegetarians because the world has become a little more forgiving to you people. Dear Gluten-Free and Vegan customers: Do everyone a favor and stay home. You make me miserable. I mean, seriously, you claim to be gluten-free but you can have soy sauce? Do you know what's in soy sauce? That's right, WHEAT. Wait, I thought you said you were gluten-free. Ahhduhhhh.

7) The Complainer. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, yes. Complaining about a drink being to strong or the chicken being too dry is good to know. I'd be glad to get that comped for you. But, and this is a BIG BUT, if you seriously have the time to complain about how the host didn't ask you how your day is, that we don't have a particular tequila, that an item that you had a year ago is no longer on the menu, so on and so forth, GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! No one is forcing you to dine with us! You claim to be classy, so show some class. Wipe that ugly snarl off your face or else it'll get stuck that way.

8) The Yelp! Elite Some of you I respect, others I feel like the world would be a better place without you. I am all for your honest opinion but when you start taking away 'stars' for not having a flatscreen in the bathroom that's when I know you're a joke. The thing that really erks me is when a customer has the audacity to personally attack an employee. Go ahead, mention the terrible service that they provided or whatever...but it's not your job to dampen an employees day by pointing out how you don't like their clothing, body type and/or ethnicity. That just goes to show that you're not all that and a bag of chips.

9) Sure, let me drop everything I'm doing to help you. Literally. Example: I was carrying a chair and a customer literally tried to hand me their water glass to get a refill. You've got to be kidding me. Apparently I'm a professional juggler. Thanks for helping me discover that talent...NOT.

10) I know what you're thinking: If you hate your job so much why don't you leave?. You're right, I do. I'm working on it.