And the award goes to...

I love working private parties. No, not those kinds of private parties you sicko. I'm talking about the birthday, company, weddings and film festival celebrations. These are always fun because you know there has to be at least one person in the batch of people who's going to cross the line. And the Academy goes to...


Best Maid of Honor Speech
"Do you know how Jessica and Tim met?" People reluctantly nod their heads. "For those of you who aren't aware they met on a website about 11 months back. Have you ever heard of myspace.com"? My coworkers and I all cringe. Instead of witnessing the typical tear-jerking testimonial, we all walked back to the kitchen to either laugh or gossip about how idiotic the Maid of Honor was. What was even better about this particular speech is...well...it didn't get any better. And, on top of that, there was a camera crew to document the entire thing. That poor bride. The last thing I would want is for that speech to be put onto a video that I can watch to remind me of how stupid my best friend is. I would seriously consider poppin' a cap on the person who made me feel stupid at my own wedding.

Best Man Speech Winner
"Jack and I were college roommates and I promised his parents that I could always keep my eye on him. So, when he was too lazy to get out of bed to go to class I did exactly what I promised. I stayed in bed, too"


Cutest Old Woman Award

Honestly, this woman was seriously the cutest thing. I was her server one evening when the City of San Jose invited her to celebrate the anniversary of this famous photo being taken. Yep, that's her. I met her and she was absolutely charming. She usually attends San Jose's Remember the 40's event during the summer at Kelley Park.

Best Wannabe Coyote Ugly Dancer
I was working the Cinequest Premier party in which all the filmmakers, crew and actors were to celebrate the beginning of an eventful week. So, my restaurant hosted a DJ, appetizers and various drinks to our very special guests. Apparently, there was a wanna be Slumdog Millionaire boy in the crowd. He didn't blend in with everyone else because he was young...and flamboyantly gay. It's ok, I love gender diversity. Anyway, I was doing my normal cocktail gig and this boy approaches me. He had puny little arms, overly-emo hair (the sideswipe), and wore extremely tight clothing. I swear, if there were any sizes smaller than what he was already wearing it probably would have been a XXXS and he still would have looked freakishly skinny. He comes up to me one hand on his hip and the other doin' that wrist action shit.

"Excuse me." I look up and smile. I try to make my smile look genuine. C'mon boy, you're killin'me.

"Yes", I reply.

"I really love this music right now, and I was wondering if I can dance on the table." He winces.

"Umm, sorry I don't think that's safe."

"Really? Not even that one over there?" He points to a round cocktail table. I mean, the tabletop itself was only 2ft in diameter and it stands about chest high.

"I'm sorry, but that's just not safe."

He walks away and swear to Geebus he flipped his hair at me. WTF? Hahah. He goes back and dances with his little friends. All that boy needed was a nice purse to have dangle from his little arm and he would've been set. As much as I would have loved to see him dance on top of that cocktail table, I had to resist and made sure no one got killed. My restaurant couldn't afford a lawsuit because I need a job.

Best Comedian
Michael McDonald came in once after he performed at the Improv. Nothin' particularly exciting happened except that I got to serve him and his friends a bottle of wine, but I'm just gonna throw him on here for good measure. He's a fuckin' hilarious man. Damn, thank you Mad TV.

I will say though that, in person, his eyes are remarkably gorgeous. They're like a heaven-blue color.


Party for 2 Award
Alright, so for some odd reason I had some weird shit goin' on at one restaurant. This particular place was chosen for singles to come and meet up with each other on blind dates. Party for 2 is actually a dating service company that matches hopeful singles with one another. Jim walks in. He's a man whose probably in his late 50s and hasn't got much action in his lifetime. His comb-over hair looked as though he had just had it dyed for this special occasion. I greet him as he comes in and offer him a cocktail table to wait at. For the most part he was kind, but he looked like he was sweating bullets. Teri, his date, walks in. She's a very good looking woman who's wearing a business casual outfit, high heels and dark sunglasses. She hides between the corner of my desk and the wall. She asks, "I'm here for Party for 2. Has Jim checked in."

"Yes, he has. He's sitting right over there. Would you like me to introduce you?"

She looks over at him. "Shit, I knew his picture isn't who he says he is. I'm going to call the restaurant and you're going to pick up the phone. Just tell him I had a family emergency and I couldn't make it."

"Sure", I say.

She dashes out of the restaurant in a hurry. The phone rings and I do exactly as instructed to do. I approach Jim and tell him the horrible news. I won't lie, I felt terrible. He ordered a glass of wine. Paid. Then, left. Poor Jim.

Best Russian Coworker
I know this is supposed to be for guests, but this one has to go in the books. I had a coworker named, Daniela. She was from Russia. He husband was significantly older than her, and she met him here while she was on a Student Visa. Something fishy? Maybe, but she was sweet so it doesn't matter. Daniela spoke very good English, but there were times that she got caught up. One day she came in with a cold sore on her lip. No big deal. It's just a cold sore. It's not like it was a boil or anything. Anyway, we were talking about how the cold weather is starting to slow down business and people are starting to stay in because they don't want to get sick. Daniela says, "I don't want to serve tables today because I'm getting sick. And, I want this herpe to go away."

"What?! Omg, Daniela, don't say that aloud! People don't want to hear that. And, it's not even a herpe. You have a cold-sore."

"What's it called," she asks.

"A cold-sore", I say. I turn to walk away, and she grabs my ass. WTF? Damn, maybe she is one freaky little thang after all.



The Hella Moded Award
At this time, I was a host. And we use this service called Open Table. This particular person requested for the most romantic table in the restaurant because he was going to propose to his girlfriend. Naturally, that's what we do. They arrive and it looks like its going great. The other servers and I just stand around as we usually do. Their server, Oliver, wasn't excited about this couple because every dinner that he's served where one of the guests proposes to each other has been rejected.

Third times a charm? Nope, maybe Oliver is bad luck. The girlfriend is obviously very upset and leaves. The guy sits by himself, pays the bill, and leaves the restaurant. Yikes, I guess we're not seeing him any time soon.